Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
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if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok