Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
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me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Me My dog
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
The Joker was right
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason