Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
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Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I hope it’s French Onion!
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.