Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
You Might Also Like
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Stick it to the man
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.