Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
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Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail