Good Morning.
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Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
It’s a gift
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
#parenting
Ain’t no way
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”