Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
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angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re