Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
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I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.