I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
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Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
So, can we agree on 4 or
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM