*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
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Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
#CoronaOutbreak
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.