Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
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Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.