Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
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Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi