I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
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Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.