the prophecies have been fulfilled
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
When he asks for feet pics
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Bond. Trauma bond.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time