Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
You Might Also Like
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work