When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
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Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample