Who does Amazon think I am?
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Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.