Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
You Might Also Like
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I can fix him.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head