According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
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Jogging
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Can. I. Help. You.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.