Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
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[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Taking phone security to the next level.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier