An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
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i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
What’s this sorcery? 😂
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.