“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
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Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.