Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
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M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer