Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
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Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
This is me 🤣🤣
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
who named him groot and not spruce lee
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father