[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
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Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Huge, if true.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
somebody come look at this
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
canadian assassins are called killergrams