[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
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Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
How your email finds me
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors