I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
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I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Cinematography is my passion
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Found my door mat
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.