I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
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Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR