Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
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I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess