Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
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After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that