Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
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I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
That 👊
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.