Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
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I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd