Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
LOOOOOOL
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.