When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
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Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Choose your fighter
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Ooops wrong house😂😜
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
According to math, I’m broke
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Spell check is for lasers.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation