You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
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WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.