awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
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can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I am HOWLING at this
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Ovenable?
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
opening twitter today
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”