My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
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My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…