Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
You Might Also Like
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
*seductively eats two tums*
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Are you ok, human???
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia