Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH