The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
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If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.