At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.