Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
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DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
iPhone X
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I cannot call her anything else now
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?