9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
You Might Also Like
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
THE AUDACITY. 😤
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then