Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
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FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?