Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
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[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I am also baked goods
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.