Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
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me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Tastes like chicken.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
This could be us but you eatin’