I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
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Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash