*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
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I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Guys, I found it.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone