You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
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*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…