Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
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My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
And bowling should be called pinball
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
huge if true: the moon
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s